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As I drained cans after cans of beer, looking heavenward, I could not help but feel a sense of foreboding. Something about the stars reminded me of how fleeting that moment was, not only relative to my lifetime but to the entire universe. It was a moment that can be disregarded or forgotten in the passing of time. It was a moment which, however sentimental, is unimportant in the eyes of the billion other people I share this planet with.
Stars, I realized, may be used as a metaphor for practically anything. Last night, it was a metaphor for my loneliness which had been brought on by my being in law school.
When you stare long enough at one star, it will soon fade from your view.A person staring at the sky perhaps 10 kilometers away, or thousands of kilometers away may see the same star even if you can no longer see it. Stars do not fade then, because they are dying in a super nova as they do, but because they no longer shine for you.
To the clueless readers, this sounds like nothing but a cliche couched in the language of stars. To me, and perhaps to those who know me, this is a truth that I have been denying for the past six months. My teammates and my friends, are still the same people. They are still there. In a bitter irony, most of the time, I am actually only 2 kilometers away from them and yet I don't see them. It is not because they left but because I can no longer see them from where I am standing. Like stars, they flicker until they are too far to see but it is me who is moving away and not the other way around.
My ranting is unjustified given that I have just been reminded that my problems mean nothing to the vast universe. Though I should ask for your indulgence and permit me to carry on with trying though vainly to explain why I feel lonely tonight.
I was there with them. Right there, at the beach. Yet when I watched them gather around the bonfire, I remained seated, forcing myself to be content to watch them instead. I am guessing it was a good trade because it was then when I began to realize exactly what I am going to write tonight.
Tonight, I imagined writing, I am back where I should be. I am in my rightful place. For the next four years this is how it will be. I get to share fleeting moments with the people who actually make me feel utterly comfortable only to return to a world of hard truths which is as cold as the frigid water at dawn. I am back to my tiny office, a small four by four space which does not even have a window through which I can see the world outside.
I am back watching only the stars that the universe would permit me. Back to taking control of my life but not really living it.
The stars are out tonight but I am in my room not even bothering to look out. I know, without even looking that outside are the same old stars and none of them are the ones I want to see.
posted by The Lonely Joker who stares too deeply & too much at 7:01 AM
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Saturday, December 16, 2006
I'm not quite ready for christmas. With my mom away, it just doesn't feel right. Our house doesn't look as festive without the well lit Mango tree by the garden. For those who don't know, the mango tree was downed by typhoon Milenyo. It was a surprise to most of us because it had withstood many typhoons in its 30-year existence. Without it, our garden looks so empty and so open.I haven't done any christmas shopping yet. I've given my gift to childy already, but that was only because I bought the same thing for myself.
Something's missing and I can't put a finger on it. It may just be my mom's being away. I miss her terribly but I pretend like I don't. I avoid conversations about her being away because I feel guilty that she has to leave to support our family. I'm 21 years old and I can't do anything about it. Most people my age are already working and I am still dependent on my mother who is in New Jersey, hopefully kept warm by layers and layers of sweater and socks.
Today, one of my closest friends told me that she already has a boy friend. This is a first for her and it feels strange watching her happy with just one person. It's strange because its something I can never quite understand. It worries me that I will be growing up alone as I watch my friends live their lives with their better halves. Makes me wonder if I'm feeling empty because of that. I'm probably only curious about what's on the other side of the fence. The fact that I may perpetually be alone makes me even more curious.
At the moment, I don't intend to go over the fence. I am perfectly happy just craning my neck and looking over. What worries me is when the time comes that I am the only onlooker left on the other side and everyone else have moved over. My reason for not wanting to be in any committed relationship has always been that I do not want to have responsibilities while I go after my dreams. The problem with that is when I do succeed, I would have to revel on it alone. Let's face it.... success is only half meaningful if you cannot get the approval of the people you love and respect.
On a different note, I finally got to play basketball again last week. I miss it horribly. Holding a basketball, dribbling it... I miss the feeling of competition and I can't wait until our team gets to compete. I'm probably going to get a lot of flak if I become overly competetive. I miss it so much that I really want to win so I'm going to do whatever it takes to win.
There are so many pressing issues to talk about but I guess whatever I say here will only be a rehash of ideas I picked up in school discussions regarding those issues.
This is as far as I can go. Wifi in my room might disappear suddenly.]
posted by The Lonely Joker who stares too deeply & too much at 12:07 AM
The Lonely Joker who stares too deeply & too much at 12:07 AM0 Comments: