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I haven't done any christmas shopping yet. I've given my gift to childy already, but that was only because I bought the same thing for myself.
Something's missing and I can't put a finger on it. It may just be my mom's being away. I miss her terribly but I pretend like I don't. I avoid conversations about her being away because I feel guilty that she has to leave to support our family. I'm 21 years old and I can't do anything about it. Most people my age are already working and I am still dependent on my mother who is in New Jersey, hopefully kept warm by layers and layers of sweater and socks.
Today, one of my closest friends told me that she already has a boy friend. This is a first for her and it feels strange watching her happy with just one person. It's strange because its something I can never quite understand. It worries me that I will be growing up alone as I watch my friends live their lives with their better halves. Makes me wonder if I'm feeling empty because of that. I'm probably only curious about what's on the other side of the fence. The fact that I may perpetually be alone makes me even more curious.
At the moment, I don't intend to go over the fence. I am perfectly happy just craning my neck and looking over. What worries me is when the time comes that I am the only onlooker left on the other side and everyone else have moved over. My reason for not wanting to be in any committed relationship has always been that I do not want to have responsibilities while I go after my dreams. The problem with that is when I do succeed, I would have to revel on it alone. Let's face it.... success is only half meaningful if you cannot get the approval of the people you love and respect.
On a different note, I finally got to play basketball again last week. I miss it horribly. Holding a basketball, dribbling it... I miss the feeling of competition and I can't wait until our team gets to compete. I'm probably going to get a lot of flak if I become overly competetive. I miss it so much that I really want to win so I'm going to do whatever it takes to win.
There are so many pressing issues to talk about but I guess whatever I say here will only be a rehash of ideas I picked up in school discussions regarding those issues.
This is as far as I can go. Wifi in my room might disappear suddenly.]
posted by The Lonely Joker who stares too deeply & too much at 12:07 AM
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