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As I drained cans after cans of beer, looking heavenward, I could not help but feel a sense of foreboding. Something about the stars reminded me of how fleeting that moment was, not only relative to my lifetime but to the entire universe. It was a moment that can be disregarded or forgotten in the passing of time. It was a moment which, however sentimental, is unimportant in the eyes of the billion other people I share this planet with.
Stars, I realized, may be used as a metaphor for practically anything. Last night, it was a metaphor for my loneliness which had been brought on by my being in law school.
When you stare long enough at one star, it will soon fade from your view.A person staring at the sky perhaps 10 kilometers away, or thousands of kilometers away may see the same star even if you can no longer see it. Stars do not fade then, because they are dying in a super nova as they do, but because they no longer shine for you.
To the clueless readers, this sounds like nothing but a cliche couched in the language of stars. To me, and perhaps to those who know me, this is a truth that I have been denying for the past six months. My teammates and my friends, are still the same people. They are still there. In a bitter irony, most of the time, I am actually only 2 kilometers away from them and yet I don't see them. It is not because they left but because I can no longer see them from where I am standing. Like stars, they flicker until they are too far to see but it is me who is moving away and not the other way around.
My ranting is unjustified given that I have just been reminded that my problems mean nothing to the vast universe. Though I should ask for your indulgence and permit me to carry on with trying though vainly to explain why I feel lonely tonight.
I was there with them. Right there, at the beach. Yet when I watched them gather around the bonfire, I remained seated, forcing myself to be content to watch them instead. I am guessing it was a good trade because it was then when I began to realize exactly what I am going to write tonight.
Tonight, I imagined writing, I am back where I should be. I am in my rightful place. For the next four years this is how it will be. I get to share fleeting moments with the people who actually make me feel utterly comfortable only to return to a world of hard truths which is as cold as the frigid water at dawn. I am back to my tiny office, a small four by four space which does not even have a window through which I can see the world outside.
I am back watching only the stars that the universe would permit me. Back to taking control of my life but not really living it.
The stars are out tonight but I am in my room not even bothering to look out. I know, without even looking that outside are the same old stars and none of them are the ones I want to see.
posted by The Lonely Joker who stares too deeply & too much at 7:01 AM
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