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(I stole this quote from Ben's email. I love it.)
posted by The Lonely Joker who stares too deeply & too much at 5:09 PM
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Saturday, November 25, 2006
"Trust" is a tricky word.When used as a noun, it connotes reliance or confident expectation, as when you say: "I enTRUST you with my life."
When used in the context of relationships, it connotes not mere reliability but steadfastness. "I trust you," not only means "I know you will keep my secrets," but rather, "I know I can share my secrets in confidence."
The conjunctive phrase in fact, when broken down becomes, "I trust that you will be there when I need you," and "I trust that whatever I tell you remains between the two of us."
The use then, of the word trust, requires a considerable amount of nicety. It was, and is, meant to be used sparingly. We think when we say we trust someone, we gain an ally. In fact, we lose one, and the most important one at that.
"Trust," I say, is a tricky word.
When we say "I trust you," it not only connotes reliance or confidence. With trust comes a veritable amount of vulnerability in that you are thrust in the position of an expectant. When we trust someone, it means that what we trust that person with is something beyond our personal capability. Hence, we trust people with secrets because those secrets have the tendency to overwhelm us.
When we do share secrets, or in most cases, ourselves, with someone we think we "trust," we let go of inhibitions and thus expose ourselves to whomever we trust. This is the vulnerability of trust. We become reliant that once inhibitions are shed and we are exposed, someone will swoop in and cover us or shelter us.
When no one does, it is then that we realize that "trust" is but a word.
I'll say it again and never tire of it. "Trust" is a tricky word.
When A tells B he trusts B, and B is able to fulfill the expectations of A even in small degrees, B becomes seemingly heroic. To return the favor, wouldn't A want to be trusted too? So A goes out of his way to be trusted, if only to realize that B needs no saving, or B needs no hero.
A then is left in a ditch. Like a needy beggar who dreams of a world where there are no beggars, but cannot help but stretch out his arms and ask for alms.
posted by The Lonely Joker who stares too deeply & too much at 5:10 PM
The Lonely Joker who stares too deeply & too much at 5:10 PM0 Comments:
Sunday, November 19, 2006
I haven't updated this hole in... say a month. The entire sembreak, I signed in only to realize that I really have nothing to write about so I decide to just sign out and wait. That says a lot about how much fun I had during the break--or the sheer lack thereof. I couldn't (wouldn't) leave the house because I wanted to wait until my mom left for the states. That was the ice that capped my uneventful sem break. It wasn't exactly a cherry-on-top-of-the-ice cream.I got to read about three books over the break. Two of them were good. The other was good enough to be worth my while.
On My Mom's Departure
First, I would like to take time to say that who ever created the traffic system in the airport is an insensitive git. You only get about five minutes to say good bye. What kind of airport is that? This is a country of migrant workers. They should have thought of that.
That stupid airport traffic characterizes much of my mom's departure. There was but a single wave as she carted her baggages into the unknown. It was a wave of excitement and that was all I had to look at so that I wouldn't see the hint of fear. I couldn't imagine how it must have felt when she was alone in the airplane. She has been to the States over five times in her life and yet there she was, headed to a place still unknown to her.
The repercussions Thereof
After two weeks in the States, my mom has finally settled in with tita Baby. She is comfortable there, despite the household chores she has to do. She does her share by cooking meals and I'm sure she feels at home the most in the kitchen.
A week ago my mom called to update us on her progress there. She's excited and very pleased with how much she has accomplished. Tita mila who was on the other line told me to try and look for a school in the States. They both want me to finish my studies there instead. The opportunity, I must say, is mouth watering. I can get rich there and come back and do whatever I like. The thing is, I don't really want to. Yeah... It's all about idealism. I always said that idealism is all I have. If not for idealism I wouldn't be here. I'm afraid that if I go to the states to study, all that idealism will go pfft... then there would be nothing left to set me apart from everyone else. My classmates dream of standing in front of a judge and litigating. I dream of sitting among farmers and talking about their rights. That makes me different from everyone else save from a few other idealistic dumb asses like me.
On sadness
I'm guessing you're still wondering why I signed in to write again. I have been idle for a month and I thought that my being uninspired will go on until I graduate. I don't really feel inspired now. I feel that I want the lonely joker to sign in again.
Last semester, I was so caught up with studying that I hardly felt anything. Now that I am more relaxed and at ease in law school, I have had more time to think. So, the lonely joker who stares too deeply and too much is back, and just as lonely as ever. I want to cut to the chase (cheese is more like it) and say it.
For a while I was happy to be surrounded by people I care about--classmates, friends, teammates-- until I realized that I am on a one way street. I haven't felt this lonely in so long, if truth be told. More often than not, I would probably just feel a little depressed or tired but never this lonely.
Alone is not lonely, I always say. I'd kill to be alone once in a while or alone and lonely. With all the staring deeply and too much I realized that I am lonely in spite of the people around me.
The feeling is no longer a stranger to me. The last four days I was actually feeling vulnerable. I was waiting for something to happen so that I would forget about this craphole I'm in. The four days dragged on until I finally settled in. This feeling will need a little getting used to again, I guess. But its better now because I figured it out instead of having it hit me smack in the face.
So there... The lonely joker has signed in. Until something changes, like I decide to go to the states or something, I won't be signing out.
posted by The Lonely Joker who stares too deeply & too much at 5:59 PM
The Lonely Joker who stares too deeply & too much at 5:59 PM0 Comments: