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The Pleiades

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Sunday, December 18, 2005

"To the stars through difficulties."

If that ancient saying holds any truth, then I might not be able to reach any of my dreams anytime soon. I have been denying it for the past three and a half years but its true: I haven't been pulling my weight in, at least if only to reach those idealized dreams.

I have just downloaded my grades and I'm about to compute for my GWA. Good luck to me and finishing cum laude.

I hate regrets. There really is no use crying over spilled milk.
Damn.

The Lonely Joker who stares too deeply & too much at 5:49 AM

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The Lonely Joker who stares too deeply & too much at 5:49 AM

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Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Somehow, because of all that I have written, and because I have felt nothing for them, I have lost the will to write of anything else.
For this reason alone, I want to refuse to write anymore, if I must write for other people.
It does not help that there are but a few people who would appreciate my writing.
I was afraid in the beginning that my editors would be ruthless.
They have not been. Not even close.
If anything, they have been accomodating. However, I think I have not grown in my writing. I think, I have only changed.

I used to write freely.
I do not like the thought of writing assessments on things I care nothing for.

I am supposed to write about the Subic Rape Case.
It is a topic I feel strongly for. The thing, however, is that no one cares for what I feel. People care for detailed and well-drawn out analysis. Something that I can do but do without cause.
I do not care for the details of the case. I care for the countless women who have been oppressed by stronger men. I care for our country, who for fear of expressing sovereignty by refusing help from the americans, loses its sovereignty all together.
No well-drawn out analysis can express why I, like many other Filipinos feel strongly for this case. Feelings cannot be supported by statistics.

Right now I am supposed to be in front of my lap top writing.
I can't.
At least not for tonight.

The Lonely Joker who stares too deeply & too much at 2:48 AM

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Thursday, December 01, 2005

I have been contemplating on quitting the Collegian these past few days but everytime I'm there in the office and a new article is assigned to me, I feel like I just have to write that one. So I guess I'm going to have to stick it out the rest of the semester even if I know that I am doomed never to be promoted into the Staff Box. I haven't even gotten a decent honorarium. I got higher wages back when i was in Sinag. The experience makes up for it. Especially now that the EIC has sacked his kumpadres and found a near-decent (I hope) Executive Editor. That way I'm assured that my articles don't get into the paper for lack of anything better to lay-out.
I'm actually planning on joining the lay-outing team just so I'd learn how to use Adobe Pagemaker. I assume its not much different from Adobe Photoshop which I take pride in saying, I learned all by myself.

The UP LAE was not difficult.
I used to think that when people say things like "wala yan," and "common sense lang ang kailangan," it was easy for them because they've passed already. Now I know that it should be easy for anyone who reads a lot.
I think the only difficulty I had was with the airconditioner. Yup, me, onion-skinned me. I sat in front of an airconditioner that was turned on, full-blast.

Before I took the LAE, I had my apprehensions. I actually did not want to go through with it. But that was just the slacker in me. I did not want to go through with it because of the trouble. Not because I liked being a lawyer any less. IN fact, my dream of practicing in the province alongside farmers only became more vivid since the murders in tarlac.
I think my parents wouldn't want to pay for 4 more years if only to see me go of to some remote island where I'll be eating off the land of the people I protect.
But then, that's my ideal world.

Now that I'm no longer attached to my team, I hate to admit it but I realized just how much I have missed. I could have been with The Philippine Collegian longer and learned more. Not just of writing but of real politics inside and outside the campus. I've become more sympathetic with the world and everything that goes on outside the basketball court. I actually feel utter grief for seeing a dead person on TV. I used to reserve such feelings for basketball. That being the only thing I ever felt strongly for.

Books
I finished the entire Chronicles of Narnia last week and to top that off, I read Memoirs of a Geisha in just two days. That I did in between classes and homework.
I'm set off to read Baudolino soon but if I still think it boring, I'm going to read Chinese Cinderalla. Ever since I read about the UST guy who finished his first historical fiction at the age of 24, I've become more fascinated with reading historical fiction.
One day I hope I am going to be able to write my ideal book: Middle Child Diaries.
Its going to be about a Middle Child who works his way into the world lonely but not alone.

Anyway, I know it still sounds cheesy but thats just because the story doesn't have a setting yet therefore, no concrete plot.

Well that's about it.

The Lonely Joker who stares too deeply & too much at 4:11 AM

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I am the lonely joker who stares too deeply and too much.